Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Tough Decisions.

Growing up I never had my parents. My mom and dad gave me up for adoption, to my grandparents, when I was about 3 years old. Everything wasn't finalized until I was 8. I remember all I wanted was my parents. You know, their YOURS they gave birth to you, created you and everything. I never had siblings. I knew OF them but never knew who they were and what they were about. Now, what's weighing on my mind is...

About 4 years ago, my husband and I along with our 7 month old daughter (Tatyana was 7mos at the time) moved to Kauai to pretty much "take care of things" here. Jon's grandma was becoming old and she lived alone and didn't want to move with Jon's mom. So, she'd be left alone here yet again, if we left. My auntie and grandma guys came to visit Kauai last week and being home sick PRIOR to their arrival made it worse even when they left. I miss Maui, I miss my Family. Everyone is getting old. My grandparents, my mom them, my little sister, everyone.. My best friend JUST gave birth to my niece today and it makes me miss home even more. I go home 1x or 2x a year and it's ridiculously expensive being that we have to pretty much take a plane ONLY to get to another island. Anyways, I was asked the question today if "moving home sooner or later" is an option. I told Jon that I want to move back within the next couple of years because I want OUR kids to go to MY alma mater. I don't like the schools here on Kauai. But, I don't know we'll see.

Anyways, my daughter is about to attend preschool. And, she'll be able to attend Kindergarten in 2 years. My grandparents are getting old. When my grandma was here she took care of Jaden the entire time. But another thing too is I don't know if Jon is ready to leave here. HIS family is here. MY family is there. Would I have to leave my husband to be with my family if I want our kids to go to school on Maui? My mom is ill and so is my stepdad - My mom needs me she always has and eventually my stepdad will need us all. But I don't know. My stepdads cancer is still in the air. They don't know if what they really see is spreading. I guess. He's still taking MRIs and CAT scans to see what's going on. But my aunties main concern is my grandparents. I don't know why, my uncle and his girlfriend live in that same house. What am I suppose to do?

So, I pretty much told her my entire story. I'm not leaving Jon, period. I'm not letting our kids grow up without their father, I lived that way my entire life and it still depresses me - Do I want to put my kids thru that too? My grandmas house is crammed with my uncle, his girlfriend and my grandma and grandpa - NO ROOM. And, if I end up moving with my mom - DEFINITELY no room. Now, here's the bigger downfall and what's making this decision even harder is.. my grandpa is an alcoholic. He's always been. He recently JUST lost his license because of a DUI. And, I'm afraid for him. Oh wait, I'm afraid OF him. From all the stories I've been hearing is - he's getting abusive. I don't like that. Growing up with his verbal abuse since I was young up until I was 17. The moment I graduated that was it. I moved away didn't look back since. It's been 8 years now. Do I want to go back into that? Raise my children around that? Ugh. But then again, do I wanna raise my children without seeing their grandparents because of my need to keep them away from their drunk greatgrandpa? He's getting old. It's hard. The decisions are even harder. And, supposedly he's not "losing his mind"!

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